Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
