I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
