Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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