He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
