I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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