girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just had sex on a roof
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
