Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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