zippers are such a cool invention
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
