i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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