:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just want nice things and good sex
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
