I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
