why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
