The maid of honor just puked.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
