Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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