Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
