I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
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I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She told me I should be a condom model.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
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How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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