I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
