I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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