I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
