i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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