my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
