Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize