I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
