I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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