It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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