I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
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The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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