evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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