If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
