the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
