and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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