everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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