Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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