I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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