is your mom at the bar?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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