you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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