I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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