And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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