I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
