Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
