so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
