I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Hippo gnu deer
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
