oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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