On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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