When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
