I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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