i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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