Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
