I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
