Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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