Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
