and you said cock pushups were impossible
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.