I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
