woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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