and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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