my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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