this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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