Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
