who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
