I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
And then he peed in my hair
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