btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You're a waste of cheezeits
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
